Bi i dho

‘Unfortunate wretched woman, trotting like a poodle. Bi i dho husht, says he. That bloody old fool!’ Astride he stood, the cuffs of his tan trousers bagging round his leg stumps, buckled and held aloft with a Yeomen’s garter. ‘Husht ye gamy bastard! A leg up is all he’s after’. Unfortunate wretch brings tears to my eyes. Seen her dog lapping up pools of it; tongue swelled up like a cirrhotic liver, all irony and bluish. Has a pawn owing on an engraved headstone, wagering she’ll live well into her hundreds. Shriner’s’ll pay the balance on monies owing if she breaks a leg or catches her death from a cold. Carry her across over in one of those miniature cars; easier if she sets sails and doesn’t look back. Price of petrol has tripled in two weeks! Diesel cost twice as much as regular petrol even though it makes the engine crank clank and sputter. Someone’s making a profit and that someone isn’t me. Cost less to embalm a corpse. Can get by with a smaller miniature car too. Don’t have to rely on coasting. Hills are a rarity, most people want to go up not down. Less time-consuming. Barely raises a hair on your neck. Hot mock chicken steam cooked with newly baked jam puffs; brings out the pepperiness. Can get by on a smaller pot if you can keep the steam from escaping. Bathe your face in steam bath steam, brings out the shine and does away with the blackest blackheads. Red as Mandrill’s ass. Good for courting and praying on the weakly. Seen him holding her chin aloft, leg stumps buckling, swiping flies with the knob-end of her cane. Costs less than a chèz woulant’s. Don’t have to add to someone’s profit. Save up monies owing. Carry the balance over without penalty or hedging. Interest only in making a dime on your sorrow. End up pawning the pawn. He awoke to a gallfly buzzing like a hornet’s nest above his head, its tiny crude wings flailing madly. I’d suggest a mustard poultice to ease the stinging. Grandmamma’s recipe: cloves, castor oil and molasses boiled in a coffee tin.