Arthur Keith and W.P. Pycraft

That afternoon when the sky was porterhouse grey and his grandmamma was out playing pinochle with her gaming-fiends his granddad told him the story of the Piltdown Man. In the pottage fields of Uckfield East Sussex, in the Archdeacon Lewes Diocese of Chichester Richard Bingham (7th Earl of Lucan Grant House) the lower jawbone of an orangutan (Gigantopithecus Sivapithecus) was dug-up by this lying cunt called Charles Dawson who showed off the jawbone bone to misters Arthur Smith Woodward, A S Underwood, Arthur Keith, W P Pycraft, and Sir Ray Lankester. He stared at his granddad’s head, his forehead slack as an old catcher’s mitt, trying to make sense of what he said. All he could make sense of was the part about the pottage field; the rest was just wordy nonsense.

His granddad cleared his throat and said ‘now this Dawson fellow, the lying cunt bastard, started collecting fossils after flunking out of barrister’s school. The silly bastard cunt was elected to the Geological Society and the Society of Antiquaries London 1895. The stupid silly bastard lying cunt’s nickname was the Wissler of Sussex, stupid bastard’. The alms man waited for his granddad to take a breath and hightailed it out the door, his alms-cap cinched under his arm. He figured anyone could dig-up anything, old bones and hard curds of million-year old shit, toenail clippings and hair and call it whatever they wanted, so he saw nothing out of the ordinary about some Limey cunt lying about some monkey bones or an asses’ jawbone, nothing out of the ordinary at all.